Tim Holcombe

Lincoln, The Slave Master

2012-02-23T15:55:00.000-06:00

Writes the always-terrific Thomas DiLorenzo, prolific author of The Real Lincoln, among many others:

The great nineteenth-century Massachusetts libertarian abolitionist Lysander Spooner despised Lincoln and his administration with a red hot passion. Here's one example of what he thought of the Dishonest Abe regime, from The Lysander Spooner Reader (p. 49):

"The principle, on which the war was waged by the North, was simply this: That men may rightfully be compelled to submit to, and support, a government that they do not want; and that resistance, on their part, makes them traitors and criminals."

"No principle, that is possible to be named, can be more self-evidently false than this; or more self-evidently fatal to all political freedom. Yet it triumphed in the field, and is now assumed to be established. If it really be established, the number of slaves, instead of having been diminished by the war, has been greatly increased; for a man, thus subjected to a government that he does not want, is a slave."

In other words, the irony of the notion that Lincoln freed slaves is that with his tyrannical, bloodthirsty, and unconstitutional assault on liberty, he sought to ostensibly make slaves of all Americans; slaves to the imperial federal government. And America has not been the same since.

It has been said that before Lincoln, people said:

"The United States are."

After Lincoln, they said:

"The United States is."

The Israel of God: An Orthodox View

2012-02-18T11:52:00.000-06:00

America is a diverse and pluralistic society, and this is evident no more so than in the myriad of religious beliefs held by so many Americans. Every possible derivation of any religious belief one can think of is represented. The Christian religion is claimed by thousands of all sorts of denominations, groups and sects, with many remaining unaware or unfamiliar with the True Faith of Orthodox Christianity.

Particularly within evangelical protestantism, the Biblical method of interpretation called dispensationalism was popularized by the writings of John Nelson Darby in the 1800's. Dispensationalism is a fatally flawed theory which presupposes that God, Who never changes, changes to accommodate different eras, or dispensations. This view was embraced and promoted by C.I. Scofield, whose Scofield Bible includes his margin notes which had tremendous effect, unfortunately, on how its readers interpreted the Holy Scriptures.

Scofield's fanciful theories regarding dispensationalism and eschatology read into the Scriptures things that were never there, theories never presented by the Church, which gave us the Holy Scriptures. As an aside, this demonstrates the danger of viewing the Holy Scriptures outside Their proper context, which is provided by the “One, Holy, Catholic and Apostolic Church,” given to us by Christ Himself. Having a Scofield explain the Holy Scriptures to us would be like having a mechanic theorize on how heart surgery is performed. In such a case, one would do better listening to the cardiologist. And in matters concerning the Scriptures, one would do well to cling to the teachings of the Church. It should be noted that dispensationalism has never been taught by the Church. Thus, it is not a stretch to label it as heresy. Sadly, this heresy has greatly infected America, as is evidenced by countless books, films, web sites, and television preachers who promote the heresy, supporting their false teaching with fancy charts, graphs, cruises, prophecy updates and apocalyptic predictions. Dispensationalism has become its own lucrative industry. Then again, fear sells.

At the root of Scofield's claims was that the physical nation of Israel must be reformed in order for the “end times” to begin. His premillenial dispensationalism did (and does) great violence to the Holy Scriptures, pulling a myriad of verses out of context, marrying them with others, all to support his heretical theories. That Israel did in fact become a nation in 1948 only fueled the fires of Scofield's heresy and misinterpretations, and more modern day authors such as Hal Lindsey, ostensibly riding the Scofield train, continued to promote dispensationalism with books such as “The Late Great Planet Earth.”

Of particular significance is the role the physical nation of Israel plays in dispensationalism. Taking their cues from Darby and Scofield, dispensationalists fail to understand that the “Israel of God” today is the Church, not a geographical nation-state, and has been so since the time of Christ, “Who came unto His own, and His own rejected Him,” thus, a New Covenant was established by the Saviour, Who foretold in the Holy Gospel of Saint Matthew, chapter 24, the cessation of the Old Covenant, culminating in the destruction of Jerusalem in 70 A.D. That the Jewish people rejected, and then killed the Son of God effectively ended the covenant God had established with them.

Dispensationalism maintains that God holds special favor for a certain group of people, in this instance, Jewish people, and that somehow, some sort of exemption is reserved for them. Some dispensationalists would see a challenge to such thinking as anti-semitism. But it should be made clear that God loves all His creation, and has no special class, race or ethnicity that He prefers over another. Salvation is found in the Church, where Christ Himself is the Head, and the call to enter the Ark goes out to all. Dispensationalists do not accept this. Television preacher, and dispensationalist extraordinaire John Hagee, pastor of the mega “Cornerstone church” in San Antonio, Texas, made the following claim:

“I'm not trying to convert the Jewish people to the Christian faith. In fact, trying to convert Jews is a waste of time. Jews already have a covenant with God and that has never been replaced by Christianity.” (Houston Chronicle, April 30, 1988, section 6, page 1)

Writes Professor David Carlson:

Such a false teaching is rooted in the Scofield approach to the Scriptures, this method of picking and choosing verses and forcing them together in order to validate a heretical belief. The Church Fathers faced it too. In his book, Bible, Church, Tradition: An Eastern Orthodox View, Professor Georges Florovsky recalls the image by the second century Bishop Irenaeus which bear an uncanny resemblence to our current "battle for the Bible."

St. Irenaeus described an artist who made a beautiful jeweled mosaic of a king. Another came along and took apart the pieces of this beautiful mosaic, rearranging the tiles to create an image of a fox. This second person then claimed that the image of the fox was the true one, as the mosaic pieces were all "authentic".

This is what heretics do to Scripture, St. Irenaeus maintained. They claim that because they use the words of Scripture, the doctrines they teach are true. But heretics ignore the design, the rule of faith--the Tradition--which the Church has always used to test interpretations of the Bible.

St. Irenaeus' words indict premillennial dispensationalism. Without the Tradition, these fundamentalists pull the text apart and rearrange the verses to create a picture that is at odds with the received Tradition. Christ is replaced by a figure that celebrates the sorrows of our time and despises the efforts to create peace.

Professor Florovsky states, "...the point which St. Irenaeus endeavored to make is obvious. Scripture had its own pattern or design, its internal structure and harmony. The heretics ignored this pattern, or rather substitute their own instead. In other words, they re-arrange the Scriptural evidence on a pattern which is quite alien to the Scripture itself."(p. 78). Isn't this precisely what premillennial dispensationalism, with its pseudo-biblicism, is doing in our day? (1)

Sadly, dispensationalism has crept its way into the Orthodox Church, with such heresy even being embraced by clergy. To have a Bishop embracing the claim that God favors Jewish people over others of His creation is both shocking, and distressing. We must remember, of course, that anyone, Orthodox or not, clergy or not, can misinterpret Scriptures. This generally happens when we attempt to view them without the benefit of the Holy Traditions set before us. If a Bishop cannot show where dispensationalism was EVER embraced and taught as truth in the Church, then there is no basis for clinging to it now.

So, what of the nation-state known as Israel? If the Israel of God today is the Church, what should our view of this geographical entity be?

Prior to 1948, the land now known as Israel was occupied by Palestinians. The establishment of Israel as a nation-state began a new chapter in history as both sides were, and continue to be embroiled in controversy over who should rightfully possess the land, and has led to untold bloodshed and loss of life on both sides. Often forgotten in this mix by American dispensationalists are the Palestinian Christians who are often caught in the middle of the battle.

Since the state of Israel was established, it has been the policy of American presidential administrations to support it, and America has sent untold billions of taxpayer money and military equipment. This policy has been wholly supported by evangelicals, who hold to a heretical belief about just who the true “Israel of God” is. That the heresy sucks in Orthodox Christians, even clergy who should know better, is all the more alarming. Equally alarming would be for a communicant to accept such a belief based on the writings of one cleric, when said writings are at odds with what the Church has always taught. It would be a bad idea to conclude that Marxism is the preferred theory of economics because one read the endorsement of same by some Bishop. It would be equally as bad to accept the heresy of dispensationalism just because one read the endorsement of same by another Bishop.

The best American policy for the state of Israel would be a hands-off policy of neutrality and non-intervention. Naturally, this would be a good policy for any nation, and were it not the policy of the American government to send foreign aid to nations which are sworn enemies of Israel, then Israel would surely be better off. Such a duplicitous policy is seemingly lost on dispensationalists, who apparently see some sort of Biblical mandate for America to protect the nation state at all costs.

We currently see a brewing cauldron in the middle east, and our involvement their only exacerbates the problem. The damage done by a heretical teaching initiated by Darby, further promoted by Scofield, and broadcast worldwide by its adherents cannot be overstated.

1) Dr. David Carlson is Professor of Religious Studies at Franklin College, Franklin, Indiana, and a member of Holy Trinity Greek Orthodox Church, Indianapolis, Indiana

Copyright © 2003 David Carlson. Reprinted with permission of the author, from "Orthodoxytoday.org"

"No Man Can Serve Two Masters"

2012-02-13T14:33:00.000-06:00

My latest column for Sobornost, an online magazine for Orthodox Christians.
http://thesobornost.org

An Orthodox Christian's Guide To American Politics

Orthodox Christians in America are living in a unique place and time. Since the Day of Pentecost as recorded in Acts, Orthodox Christians have often found themselves at odds with secular governments. Finally, a nation in the western hemisphere appears which, while not an Orthodox (or heterodox, for that matter) Christian nation, is committed to ideals of freedom, religious liberty, self government, and resistance to tyranny from a central state. Wary of a monarchy, America commits to a separation of powers, and the colonists have little to fear for many years from bureaucrats and politicians from a land far away, known as Washington.

Within a hundred years of its founding, an American president wages war on a state which exercises its right of secession, suspends habeus corpus for citizens, jails judges and political opponents, and presides over the deaths of over 600,000 people. The precedent for presidential abuse of power had been set, and would only lead to further unconstitutional power grabs. Woodrow Wilson set the modern day war machine in motion, gave us the Federal Reserve, and ostensibly waged a war on private capital. Franklin Roosevelt gave us The New Deal, Lyndon Johnson gave us The Great Society, and Americans, Orthodox or not, now find the tentacles of government latching on to every facet of our lives.

For many Americans, theirs is a Pavlovian response to any crisis, real or imagined, and that is to instantly look to Washington for the answer. The Golden Calf has become the latest edict from the White House, wherein many believe salvation is found. It was never the intent of the founders of our nation that the presidency be a seat of imperialism, with its occupant circumventing any hint of restraint from other branches of government, miring our nation in pointless, unconstitutional wars, flaunting privileges, using executive orders to govern, bypassing congress, and generally abusing his power.

But this is where we are. And if it is not enough that we are endlessly at war, over $15 trillion dollars in debt, overtaxed, over regulated, and now at the risk of the president using the American military at his pleasure to indefinitely detain any American, the latest obscenity is his insistence that religious institutions provide free birth control to employees.

Is this a tirade against Barack Obama? It is an effort to demonstrate how the presidency has devolved into a devilish form of tyranny, with the congress ostensibly aiding and abetting the offender. It is a pattern established long ago, now flagrant in its excesses, all masks off, any attempt to conceal the true intentions of those in power cast aside.

What should the response to such abuses be? For the Orthodox Christian, or for any American who has the slightest infatuation for liberty, we must remember the words of our Lord:

“No servant can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.” (St. Luke 16:13)

America is where She is because we have become complacent about the liberties we have largely lost, with many sacrificing the birthright of freedom for a bowl of government-funded mush. Many have “placed their trust in princes and sons of men,” opting out of personal responsibility.

The modern welfare / warfare state is not sustainable. The former is rooted in envy and theft, and is an assault against the Christian concept of charity. Indeed, the pattern was set forth in the early Church, where those who possessed the love of Christ willingly brought their possessions, sans coercion, and laid them at the feet of the Apostles. Today, we see the result of the Johnson War on Poverty, which has bred a generation of able-bodied Americans who could work, but will not, believing that government exists to provide every need – and want, cradle to grave. The admonition of Christ to care for the poor was done to the exclusion of any Caesar; be he Roman or American. Abdication of our responsibility before Christ to any secular entity is to defer His instructions to us to a Christless leviathan whose efforts are not only unconstitutional, but are in no way rooted in love and compassion.

How then should the American Orthodox Christian approach government? It would seem to make sense to embrace any policy which would effectively minimize the role of government in our lives. From health care, to education, to energy, environment, housing: government mangles everything it involves itself in. Consider:

Was there agriculture before we had a Department of Agriculture?
Was there energy before we had a Department of Energy?
Was there commerce before we had a Department of Commerce?
Was there education before we had a Department of Education?

Etcetera.

Rather than placing our faith in government, as Orthodox Christians, should our devotion not first be to Christ, His Church, and one another? If we automatically defer to secular government to sustain us in all areas of life, are we not failing to heed the words of Saint John Chrysostom? Does it not behoove us as Orthodox Christians who find ourselves living in these United States to elect representatives who will do all within their power to minimize the role of government in our lives, thereby abiding by the vow they make to abide by the constitution, a document which exists to protect the liberties of the American people by constraining the very government which now finds itself at odds with the very principles it exists to uphold?

Indeed, no one can serve two masters. Hence, it would seem incumbent on us to do all within our power to see one of these Masters greatly reduced in size, and importance.

My Good Father

2012-02-13T14:27:00.003-06:00

This story begins in the deep south in the 1920's, on a family farm where sunrise meant toil, and that often past when the the sun retired for the day. There is a small home on this land with no luxuries attached. The typical day is spent in fields either planting, tending to, or reaping that which sustains this humble life. It is a hard and simple life, but it is well-defined, and free of modern entanglements like psychiatrists, life coaches, grief counselors, and Oprah. Work is the order of the day, and there is no time for such silly novelties.

Into this home is born fourteen children, one who is given the name of his father, Frank. From the time he can stand aright, he joins the family crew and learns a work ethic which is as inbred into him as any cell of DNA. Life is predictable enough until years later, when his nation calls my father, takes him from the farm, and sends him to Europe. He earns a bronze star, and refuses to accept a purple heart.

After the war, he comes home, meets his beloved wife Mary, and builds their lives with the tools he has always used: hard work, and industriousness. They build their home, and eventually, my father starts his own business, an auto repair shop which he opens in 1962, the year after my birth. He applies the work ethic (and ethics) he gained from the farm into his business for over 30 years, until he closes the door, but does not retire. He took with him his reputation, ever intact: as honest and hard working a man as ever walked this globe, and left behind a successful legacy, built with buckets of sweat from his brow.

My mother and father gave life to me, and two brothers, Ken and Danny. For that alone, a child should remain ever grateful. As I rapidly approach my 50th year, what I have to give my dear father is little. But the life-long memories linger. Perhaps memories make the best gifts.

My first memory of my father is being draped over his shoulder as he carries me into an emergency room at Kennestone Hospital. I remember the comfort and security I felt that late night or early morning.

Or the funeral we are attending of a deceased loved one. We file in procession at service's end to pay our last respects, my small hand in my father's. At the worst possible time, I declare, loudly, "I can't see him!"

And the nights where at bedtime, he would pause, go to his knees beside his bed, and pray the Lord's Prayer, ever acknowledging our gracious Creator.

The usual Sunday routine is a visit to Grandmother's. Some Sundays, Dad would treat us to a drive up Kennesaw Mountain, where we could look across the city of Marietta to the Atlanta skyline, or north to the mountains, which seemed the end of the Earth.

The Saturdays we'd spend on Coldwater Creek, Dad with his reliable Stihl chain saw, taking down trees, loading them in an old flatbed truck to take back home. It was on those old roads of Elbert County that he would let me take the wheel of an old gray Chevy pickup, and teach me how to drive.

I can still hear him in his home office. It is hot summer Wednesday night, and he is at his adding machine, working on the payroll. To one side is a mound of invoices, and a yellow legal pad. To the other is a large jar of ice water, and an old AM radio which is crackling a station he found somewhere far away.

He is up before the sun, ready to meet the day. He checks on his large garden in the back of our home, where he labored after leaving his shop the previous evening. He produces the bounty, giving the credit to 'The Good Master", and his wife fills our home with the scents, and the goodness, and the canning - Lord, the canning. They are sights, and smells I will never forget, but at the time, didn't appreciate.

He keeps my mother in a Cadillac, his sons in nice clothes, and none of us are deprived any necessity of life. He does all this having never used a credit card.

My father, now that I consider it.....would have made a great president. His inaugural speech: "Let's go to work."

With the loss of his beloved Mary, our mother, many things changed forever. Still, since that sad August day in 1989, there have been some sweet moments scattered amidst a sea of tears.

No one gets to select their parents. I often think about how naive I was, and how fortunate I am to have the parents I did.

And if I could ever be half the man my father was, and is...I will think I did well.

My father was never famous, never an artist, statesman, inventor. What he had is to be valued above all such temporal things, and is captured in the pages of Holy Scripture:

A good name is rather to be chosen than great riches, and loving favour rather than silver and gold. A good name is better than precious ointment, and the day of death than the day of one's birth.

A good name forged by a good man.

A good son. A good American. A good husband.

My good father.

My first car,,,,

2011-09-07T14:43:00.000-05:00

http://www.flickr.com/photos/unclegal/3745576612/

Except mine was yellow. Long as a hearse.

I once ran out of gas, and my brother Sonny had to come fetch me in his wrecker. I tried to explain to him that the 56 cents per gallon for gasoline was making life hard for me. He did not empathize.

Thankful, Again...

2010-11-25T11:30:00.003-06:00

It's Thanksgiving, 2010, and time again for me to ponder that for which I am thankful. So, here goes.

I'm thankful for electricity. Think about it.

No, really. Think about it.

I'm thankful for sugar-white beaches.

I'm thankful for Solarcaine.

I'm thankful for college football Saturdays.

I'm thankful for hugs from little ones who call me "Papa."

I'm thankful for great fuel mileage.

I'm thankful for Nat King Cole, who always makes it feel like the holidays.

I'm thankful for greens. Turnips, collards, whatever.

I'm thankful for Robert Duvall.

I'm thankful somebody invented eyeglasses. I never thought I'd need em. Boy, was I wrong.

I'm thankful for peanut brittle.

I'm thankful for my sweet Tara Marie, wife of Josh, mother of Anistyn, owner of Saban, and a mother to be again. Jude the dude, or Pearl the Girl?

I'm thankful when I get to discover new places to dine, like...."The Royal Scam" in Mobile, Alabama.

I'm thankful for freedom and liberty, especially now, since they are under constant, daily assault from our own rulers.

I'm thankful when actors act, singers sing, and players play, and just otherwise keep their mouths shut, as it were.

I'm thankful my mama didnt hang a tag on me like...."Percy".

I'm thankful when fads die. I'll be more thankful when these do: rims, 'GitRdone', and 'coming out,' especially if it's a preacher in question.

I'm thankful when the waitress lets me complete the cup of coffee before refilling it. Otherwise, it messes up my ratio.

I'm thankful for when I need the receipt, and incredibly, unbelievably, I actually saved it.

I'm thankful I saved this list.....from last year.....

THINKING AND THANKING

Time for that annual time of mental inventory. We could focus on things for which we're not thankful, but that gets old quickly, eh?

I'm thankful for this cup of coffee right here beside me.

I'm thankful for people who still work for a living.

I'm thankful for that first car. May we all find and restore ours one day. (EBay?)

I'm thankful when the light changes green, as I can speed away from the offensive, dull, blasting bass sounds emitting from the rapper's vehicle somewhere around me.

I'm thankful for big oil companies and huge corporations, without which, millions would have no job, and life would be less far less convenient.

I'm thankful that, while I am developing a bald spot up there, I really don't care.

I'm thankful for Ron Paul. How I wish all Americans were.

I'm thankful I don't drive a Smart.

I'm thankful for the moment when you close the trunk, hop in, and officially start the vacation.

I'm thankful for "Fiddler On The Roof", which I finally got around to watching two weeks ago. "Tradition!!!!"

I'm thankful for things which can never be replaced. Like, quilts.

I'm thankful for Cracker Barrel. Especially the VOD on Saturday. Hoo, boy.

I'm thankful for Mount Athos.

I'm thankful for ready change when there's a toll road.

I'm thankful for the throwback uniforms. Except the Denver Broncos. Yikes!

I'm thankful for Troy Polamalu.

I'm thankful for the "12 items or less" register. Now if the gal in front of me could only count...

I'm thankful for Ken Follett. AND....they are making "Pillars Of The Earth" into a miniseries!

I'm thankful for my wonderful priest.

I'm thankful for police officers who behave more like Barney Fife than Steven Segal. And whatever became of Elian Gonzalez?

I'm thankful for Tommy Emmanuel. Google him. Oh, mercy.

I'm thankful for the 4th round, Sundays, Augusta National. I'm also thankful I almost got conked in the head by an errant tee shot from the driver of Jack Nicklaus on the 9th fairway there.
(Okay, it really wasn't THAT close. But it sounds really cool.)

I'm thankful the beach is only 4 1/2 hours away.

I'm thankful there are no pictures (that I know of) of me in a polyester leisure suit.

I am thankful for Tiffany Holcombe-Ball. A wonderful wife, fantastic mother, and my beautiful daughter. I love you, honey. (And you get a year all your own. One child per year, in print anyway)

I am thankful for Mannheim Steamroller.

I am thankful for my loved ones who have reposed. May their memories be eternal.

I am thankful for snow in the south. Manageable, tolerable.

I am thankful for Del Ray Beach, Florida. I'll tell you why in a few short years.

I am thankful we rescued mama's recipe box.

I am thankful for Cubano Cusanos, and I believe I'll go enjoy one.

Happy Thanksgiving!

People I Miss

2010-05-20T05:55:00.003-05:00

So there I was showering, considering how the landscape changed as life goes on, when I considered a few souls who are no longer making appearances. Some you know, some you don't.

I miss

Bob Hope
Johnny Carson
and Chuck Connors. The Rifleman! Ah, the days of 3 channels on the TV.

Henry Aaron
Mr. Greenjeans
and Uncle Walter. Sweetest man ever.

The Frugal Gourmet
Jack Nicklaus
and Miss Jones, my third grade teacher. Yes, I still love her. So did every boy in the class.

The Monkees
Don Knotts
and Ronald Reagan. Not perfect, but not going around the world apologizing for America to everyone, as does our current disgrace of a president.

Beverly Cleary
Bill Melear
and The Wolfman. (Furniture salesman or deejay. Take your pick.)

Lewis Grizzard
Erk Russell
and Mr. Camp, who owned the country store near my childhood home.

Howard Cosell
Officer Don
and Junior Samples, surely in the ancestry line of Larry The Cable Guy

Pistol Pete Maravich
Elvis
and the Road Runner. I know, I know. But I'm not gonna write an entire blog about cartoon characters.

Lester Maddox
Roger Staubach
and Jackie Gleason. To the moon, Alice! To the moon!

John Berry singing it,
Larry Munson calling it,
and Herschel Walker claiming real estate all over the SEC.

And right now, I miss my little Annie Bug, and if you're reading this sweety....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

Back Into The Closet

2010-04-09T09:31:00.004-05:00

So last week, pop singer Ricky Martin 'came out' and announced that he no longer plays for the National League. Naturally, this was quite a shock to fans who had been enamored with him since he wiggled around on stage with Menudo, back in the day.

Yes, I'm being just slightly facetious.

"Who came out? Ricky Martin? Oh. Pass the salt, please."

For the life of me, I cannot understand the need for such pronouncements. It is amazing what passes for news anymore.

Perhaps this matters to Ricky Martin fans, among who I am not to be numbered. But even if I were a fan, he would be divulging information I'd not requested. It seems to me that the only people who make an issue out of such matters are those who feel compelled to bring us behind a door whose bell we never rang.

Full disclosure here. I believe homosexual activity to be a perversion, a repelling misuse of a man's (or woman's body.)

But I'm not harping on gays here. What I am doing is responding to this odd compulsion on the part of some gays to billboard their behavior to the point that we are expected to stand and cheer and give our approval for their 'braveness' in emerging from the shadows off shame into the glorious light and mirth of Gay Day at Disney World.

The point is, I'm not going door to door to survey who may or may not be gay. Honestly, I do not want to know. I would equate these proclamations with me stepping out of the bathroom and enlightening my guests as to what I just did. Such matters are of a private nature, and this is the point that the Ricky Martins of the world just do not get.

I suspect that in making such declarations, Martin is perhaps sub-conciously seeking approval for his behavior. Ordinarily, what he would get from me would be ambivalence, but since he chooses to go public about a private matter, so will I. So to his insistence on being 'in my face' about his proclivities, I say, get out of my face, and go back in your closet where such things belong.

There are no 'hetero pride parades' that I know of. When is the last time one of your cousins stood on the picnic table at the family reunion and said, "I have an announcement to make. Some of you may have long suspected this, and I am here to confirm for you. I like girls."

No one needs to 'come out' about private matters. I don't have any need or desire to know such things, no matter what team a body plays for. When it comes to such issues, I say, everyone back into the closet. If Mr. Martin feels the need to discuss his feelings with anyone, I'd suggest he go find a priest. Not Larry King.

Perhaps this would be a bad time to announce I once took a radio into the bathroom, held a hair brush, and sang and danced in front of the mirror to La Vida Loca.

See what I mean? Sickening, isn't it?

The Gospel Singing Jubilee

2010-03-29T17:52:00.003-05:00

Sometimes it is tempting to lean upon nostalgia, since memories of past times are often preferable to the present. And when hope for the future is running low, nostalgia becomes all the more enticing.

Such is the current conundrum for freedom-loving Americans, who are watching their nation taken from them in enormous chunks, as the worst president to ever occupy the Oval Office makes one obscene grab after another in an all out assault on liberty, privacy and the concept of personal responsibility. The continued arrogant, flagrant daily violation of the constitution and those things which so many hold dear, with no end to this national disaster in sight for three years is disheartening, to say the least.

Thankfully, the memory banks have not yet been raided and regulated, so we can often drive there and make a pleasant withdrawal. Thus, this…

In simpler times, life was comfortably predictable, with most nuisances being manageable. Of course, by simpler times, I refer to my childhood, where life’s greatest challenges were passing a test, getting a hit, or acne. Funny how once we get out into the enormous, adventurous world we always craved, we soon long for the days of front porch swings or a hot Saturday afternoon, fishing at my Uncle Dewey’s pond, set out in the middle of a cow pasture.

The soundtrack to my life was found in several places: my own bedroom, or church, or from whatever Lawrence Welk offered on Saturday nights. (“And now a little medley from Bobby and ah Sissy.)

But the Sunday morning sounds were unmistakable, emanating from the den, serving as the backdrop for the fervent, but measured rush of dutifully getting ready for our mandated attendance at Sunday School.

The Gospel Singing Jubilee was a show produced, I believe, in some studio in Nashville, and as far as I can tell, there was no audience. Just a smattering of trios and quartets, one after another, singing us all the way to Canaanland, until we got in Mama’s Cadillac. The television brought to living color such familiar voices as The Speers, The Statesmen, the Blackwoods, The Inspirations, The Lefevres, and of course, The Happy Goodmans, as well as many others.

Sometimes I feel sorry for the youth of America, who dwell in a musical wasteland with empty, or stupid, or sexually explicit, or even violent lyrics. I contrast the bubble headed Lady Gaga with the soul wrenching cries of Reba Rambo, or consider Madonna looking for a score to Vestal Goodman Looking For A City.

We live amidst the ruins of cultural bankrupty.

But thanks to the deposits in Memory Bank, married with the glorious gold mine otherwise known as you tube, we can revisit some of these happy, innocent times again.

I don’t know where you can find the clothes…..but…heres a sample of the Jubilee. Enjoy.

.....and.....

Andy Griffith Show Trivia

2010-03-24T13:22:00.003-05:00

How well do you know the second great TV show of all time?
Answers tomorrow

1. What were the names of Opie’s 3 birds?
Winkin, Blinkin, and Nod

2. Who were Daphne and Skippy otherwise known as?
The Fun Girls

3. Who was Barney’s side action, down at the diner?
Juanita

4. Mayberry had two mayors seen on the show. Who were they?
Mayor Pike and Mayor Stoner

5. What physical attribute seemed to make Goober intelligent?
His beard

6. To whom was Charlene Darling married?
Dud Wash

7. What was the title of Dr. Breen’s sermon?
"What's Your Hurry?"

8. You call it the Smithsonian Institution. What does Barney call it?
The Smith Brothers Museum

9. How far was Floyd willing to take legal action?
"To the highest court in the land!"

10. Clara Edwards won yet another blue ribbon at the county fair for what?
Pickles

11. Complete this title: Freddy Fleet and…….
His Band With A Beat

12. Which Mayberry citizen is a descendant of Revolutionary War hero Nathan Tibbs?
Otis Campbell

13.What is the name of the posh Raleigh mens club Andy and Barney visit?
The Esquire Club

14. What does Barney call Aunt Bee’s horrible homemade pickles?
Kerosene cucumbers

15. What is Barney’s catch-phrase advice on good parenting?
"Nip it in the bud"

16. What other name does Barney give to the Mayberry jail?
The Rock

17. Why did Ernest T Bass want to join the Army?
To get a uniform

18. What did Gomer do after he witnessed Barney making an illegal U-Turn?
He made a citizen's arrest

19. What was Floyd’s badge number?
3

20. What did Barney buy from Mrs. Lesch?
His first car

If you got all 20, you should be proud. So proud.
If you got 15-19, you have spent plenty of time at Floyd’s Barbershop
If you got 10-15, you probably recite the preamble to the Constitution as well as Barney
If you got 5-10, you need to move away in disgrace to Mount Pilot
If you got less than 5, you need to spend a night in cell #2, listening to Otis snore in cell #1

Testing Positive For Nuttiness

2010-01-18T11:25:00.002-06:00

Last week, former baseball slugger Mark McGwire felt the need for a national confession, so he so he spilled his rehabilitated guts to anyone who wanted to hear him admit that indeed, when he was whacking baseballs over fences back in his heyday, he was hopped up on happy pills.

Yes?

And?

Apparently, there is no short of outraged onlookers who believe that anything Big Mac took other than Bayer aspirin should have been dutifully reported in triplicate to Abner Doubleday, or whomever the czar of baseball is these days.

As current home run king Barry Bonds closed in on then-champ Henry Aaron's record of 755, we heard similar outrage. Bonds displayed a body which was obviously more sizable than the one which sported a significantly smaller uniform just a few years earlier. Seems his cap size had changed.

Made me go "Hmmm," too. 'Cept I wasn't calling for suspensions, asterisks, and the obligatory congressional inquiry.

Records considered sacred, held for years by the likes of Maris, Ruth, Mantle, et al, were, and continue to be in jeopardy as a generation of hopped-up athletes take to the field to make their own marks. There is no shortage of 'baseball purists' (whatever that is) who are screaming 'foul ball' as the test results come back from the lab.

Why all the hubbub?

I can think of three reasons. For one thing, they cite baseball's substance abuse policy. Everyone should adhere to the policy. No one should ingest any performance enhancing substance which might give them an edge over their opponent.

I believe this to be faulty logic. If the Bonds, McGwires, Sosas and A-Rods of the world want to juice their, uh, juice, then I say let them. Let these million dollar babies take the risk, and shoot up anything they like. Hell, let the clubs supply them with needles, if they want. Sooner or later, the players with any brains will police themselves. The ones that shoot up are providing a service to humanity. Think of it: able bodied, otherwise healthy young men who are going to demonstrate to us all over the course of their lives what effects steroids have on the human body. Our very own high paid human guinea pigs.

And think of all the lab rats lives we'll save!

(Is this a conundrum for PETA? Probably not. They value animals over us people, don't they?)

Secondly, those upset fans, baseball writers and commentators who are quick to defend the existing records evidently believe the holders of same didn't have the same 'artificial' advantage. Please. All sorts of drugs existed back in the day, as well, and nobody was testing anyone. Who can say what was in Willie Mays' bathroom vanity? And why should anyone care?

Thirdly, there is that ever-present contingent who rejects the concept of personal responsibility, and believes they are duty bound to call for the principal whenever they think see anyone not strictly adhering to the all-powerful Oz, in this case, the baseball commish and ultimately of course, the Feds. "I saw Jose Canseco take 3 purple pills! Quick, grab his urine!"

Big government-lovers always spoil the fun for everyone. They feel duty bound to call in the B-52's on anyone who steps outside chalk lines that shouldn't be there in the first place. These statists are the same type people who ratted on Rush Limbaugh because he had the audacity to find doctors to write him prescriptions for oxycontin.

Like really, who cares? Having to get prescriptions and permission for whatever you need is absurd as well, but that's another rant for another day.

When I was a kid, Henry Aaron was an idol of mine. I will never forget the night he hit his 715th home run, thus breaking the record previously held by the iconic Babe Ruth. As Bonds approached Aaron's record, I didn't like it. I didn't want the record to fall, because it was an adolescent milepost. Truth to tell, I really didn't want Bonds to break the record because I think he is a jerk.

Hey! Maybe we should ban jerks from....well, uh, nevermind.

Bonds has yet to admit his obvious use of steroids, nor should he have to. One day, he will reap what he has sown, as far as his personal health goes, and I suspect he will probably regret having taken poison. (Can I get your autograph, Mr. Bonds? And can you like...hurry?)

No one's right are violated when people do these things. One neither offends me, or deprives me of anything when one chooses to take any substance. I believe that those who do are using poor judgment, but it's really none of my business.

Nor should it be anyone else's.

Gilbert vs Godzilla, the Anti-Gun Nazi

2010-01-08T09:08:00.003-06:00

Gilbert Arenas is, or was, a guard for the NBA's Washington Wizards. In a gesture of gratitude for the second amendment, our boy Gil is an American heat-packer.

Now, no one needs to feel compelled for giving any reason to legitimize carrying a firearm. But if I am a professional athlete, well known and followed by thousands of people who love me, and a smattering of those who don't, I suddenly have all the more reason to carry a weapon for self defense.

Arenas was suspended indefinitely without pay by the NBA on Wednesday for bringing guns to the Verizon Center. NBA commissioner David Stern was particularly upset that Arenas joked about it, adding that the player was "not currently fit to take the court."

Currently not fit to take the court. M'kay, then.

His own team, formerly named the Bullets (delicious) also piled on, calling his action "unacceptable," telling Arenas to stay away from games, practices and other team functions. Additionally, the Wizards ordered a huge "Arenas" banner removed from the side of the Verizon center. Several stories tall, the banner featured Arenas dribbling a ball, staring straight ahead, with the team slogan "Character, Commitment, Connection" superimposed on his image.

But see, since we found out Gil carries a gun, that means he no longer has any redeeming qualities.

Former New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress come to mind. Burress had the gall to take a (concealed) firearm into a nightclub. Unfortunately, the weapon discharged, and Burress was shot in the leg. Now he's serving two years in prison.

You shoot yourself, and have to go to the pokey for it. That, my friends, is one bad day in America.

Anymore, of course, right is wrong, down is up, and we get outraged over all the wrong things. Self righteous ESPN TV and radio commentators are busily demonizing citizen Arenas for carrying a weapon, evidently failing to see such a thing as not only acceptable, but hey....virtuous.

Yes, virtuous. Defending yourself is like, you know....a good thing.

I don't know anything more about Arenas. Perhaps he's an unsavory gent, no one I'd invite to a party. This I do know: guns are not bad, and if Gilbert is a bad guy, it isn't carrying them that makes him one. Self defense is good. And the hysterical, ridiculous demonization of heat-packers is utterly absurd.

Arenas now faces fines, possible jail time, and the possible termination of his NBA contract.

So David Stern says you're not fit to be in his NBA, Gil.

Hey Dave....I say you're not fit to be an American.

Joan Rivers, You're No Rosa Parks (Yet)

2010-01-05T16:43:00.009-06:00

So, the woman who would once be Johnny Carson got an up close dose of the BushObama War on Liber, er, Terror when she tried to board a Continental Air Lines jet from Newark to Costa Rica.

Nice. Costa Rica is on my top ten relocation sites, too.

And just where vere ve going, Ms. aka Rosenberg? And vhy? Ve have vays of getting this information.

It seems Joanie has a passport which lists her real name and the name by which we all know and love her, and this tripped a circuit breaker somewhere.

She thought she was in the clear, having her shampoo, lipstick and botox prescriptions already checked in at the baggage counter. No Joan, dear. This is the U.S. government you're dealing with.

An aside, Joan. You just got a lesson in civics 101. Government does NOTHING well (that is, except take away freedoms and liberties from the very people that in theory, anyway...it exists to serve.) Government screws up everything....EVERYTHING it touches. Got it now, Ms. Rosenberg? That is...if that is REALLY your name.

This is the government, Joan, that insists on regulating, confiscating, intruding, transgressing, stealing, annoying, violating, and humiliating its citizens to death, all in the name of protecting them. So, go spread eagle against that wall over there, empty that purse and fork over your hand lotion. And just what might you be hiding under that wig?

Obviously, you are a national security threat, Ms. Rivers-Rosenberg. You're all of 76, attempting to leave the country, and have told a few Dick Cheney jokes. The nerve!

Evidently, the master plan of the imperial federal government is to phase out all modes of transportation, and have us hoofing it from point A to point B, sort of like Forrest Gump did. The runners who were constantly following him a few yards behind would be representatives of the TSA. And just what might you be carrying in those Reeboks?

This trumped up, ridiculous "war", Joan, is not on any "terrorists." The war is on us - regular (well...) people like you and me, who are just going about our lives, a harm or threat to no one, trying to dance between governmental raindrops everyday, watching our liberties evaporate before our very eyes. All the hoops we must now jump through to do almost ANYTHING are about as logical as Al Gore being in a break dancing contest.

This arrogant, abusive routine you were put through by incompetent federal bullies, Joan, is all about power. It is a not so veiled assault on your freedom, and a message sent which says "Hey old gal, just remember who's REALLY in charge." You only THOUGHT you were going to leave the country. Jokes on you, Joanie!

Because of these invented phantoms the feds have given us, now we're all going to be soon forced to pay (via criminal confiscation of our private funds) for full body scanners, which will be looking far beneath the surface of your Donna Karan ensemble. But hey, look at the bright side. The scanners will be able to let you know whether you have the onset of osteoparosis!

I hope this pisses (sorry) you off, Joan, and royally. I hope it riles you to the point that you'll write a big fat check to somebody, anybody in Washington (wink, wink) who is actually on your side against this monolithic, ever-reaching evil leviathan called the federal government. Just think, you could perhaps be the second most famous woman in U.S. history to refuse to give up her seat to the bad guys!

Because you know, in the immortal words of Billy Crystal, imitating Fernando Lamas:

It isn't important how you feel. It is important how you look as you fight for your freedoms and liberty. And when you do that, dahling, you look mahvelous!

Now THAT'S fashionable!

The Years In Review, Part 2

2010-01-01T20:06:00.004-06:00

It all seems a blur, actually. Perhaps, as we get older, time speeds up. The first two decades of my life seem to be filled with vivid memories, big billboard's on life's highway. Yet from 1981 until today, a seemingly collective series of effortless morphings from one year - decade even - to the next. Here I sit, almost 49, and only yesterday, I was 19. Somebody slow this train down!

Anyway, my review of the remaining 28 years will be a big blob, a parenthetic blur from then, til now. See if any of the non-personal highlights spark a remembrance for you.

Twenty years down, twenty-eight to go. Turn on the party ball.

Pac-Man sweeps America, and Sadat is assassinated...Reagan takes office, and MTV does something they stopped doing years ago: playing music videos.

(The first one? Video Killed The Radio Star)

The pope gets shot, and I get married. Reagan fires a gaggle of air traffic controllers...I'm driving that car....the one you wish you still had, all these years later...sweet 1975 Chevy Malibu Classic...Alexander "I'm in charge here" Haig, (remember him?) resigns as Secretary of State...Michael Jackson releases Thriller, and death claims Grace Kelly and John Belushi...My beautiful daughter is born, and her mother and I take her to her first movie: E.T., The Extra Terrestrial. It's a film she'll never remember, and one I wish I could forget...my congressman, Larry McDonald, dies the next year when the Soviet Union shoots down KAL 007, which reportedly strayed into Soviet airspace...237 Marines are killed because they are in the wrong place: foreign soil...Sally Ride treks into outer space, the first woman astronaut, and we invade Grenada...Reagan routs the token democratic opponent, and the Bells are broken up...The Cosby Show debuts, and our second beautiful daughter is born...Apple gives us the Mac, and the Supreme Court tells us it's okay to tape The Cosby Show with our VCRs...Rock Hudson dies of something called AIDS...Larry McMurtry pens the glorious Lonesome Dove...Coca Cola majorly fumbles the ball with New Coke, which can't be saved, even with Bill Cosby's endorsement...after going through a trio of dictators who already had one foot in the grave when they assumed power, the USSR finally settles on Mikhail Gorbachev...Lionel Ritchie Can't Slow Down, and Tina Turner wants to know What's Love Got To Do With It?...the space shuttle Challenger explodes over the Florida skies on January 28, 1986...Oprah debuts her daytime show (Oh, that it would have failed), and Nintendo is introduced...I set foot on heavenly terrain, Augusta National...later that Sunday, the Golden Bear wins his final Masters...the Iran Contra scandal has everyone in the Reagan administration playing He said, she said...Bork gets rejected, Thatcher gets (re) elected, and the FDA says we can have Prozac.

And stamps cost 22 cents!

PanAm 747 explodes over Scotland, and 259 are killed...we shoot down an Iranian passenger jet on July 3, killing 290...Bush beats Dukakis, CDs outsell vinyl, and we're Driving Miss Daisy to see Rain Man....we lose Lucille Ball, Laurence Olivier, Salvador Dali and Bette Davis...Romania ditches a tyrant (and his wife)...the Ayatollah calls for the head of Salman Rushdie...China deals with protestors their way, and Chrysler manufactures the biggest piece of junk on 4 wheels I ever owned: the Dodge Caravan...I say goodbye to my dear mother. Nothing is ever the same. May her memory be eternal...Iraq invades Kuwait...the Germans re-unite after the wall falls...Sammy Davis Jr., and Greta Garbo exit the stage as the third-best sitcom ever, Seinfeld enters...Papa Bush turns on Run DMC (or something) full blast, and Manuel Noriega moves to Miami...Bush signs the Clean Air Act, so we'll all feel better about ourselves.

Uh huh.

The USSR is dissolved...Pee Wee Herman goes to the movies...Anita Hill tattles on Clarence Thomas...The U.S. fires Bush, hires Clinton, and retires Johnny Carson...our miracle baby is born, July 11, 1991. Given no chance to survive, she's currently weeks away from getting her first set of car keys....Clinton orders the murders of 72 Americans in Texas who are practicing their religion, then hides behind Janet Reno's skirt. In his defense, he had bigger fish to fry, like...gays in the military...Tonya Harding has Nancy Kerrigan whacked, Newt becomes speaker, and O.J. Simpson misplaces his gloves...we give Mexico $20 billion...(It's only money)...a federal building in Oklahoma City is blown up...a few thousand attend the Million Man March, and finally.....finally, the Atlanta Braves win a World Series...Fargo and Sling Blade show us why we love movies...mad cow disease hits the UK, and at home, three sisters greet their new brother...Charles Frazier authors the delightful Cold Mountain...O.J.'s gotta pay, and Michael Jackson redefines the word dysfunction...Bill has a summit with Monica, and gets impeached...The Unabomber gets 4 life terms, and Michael Jordan is riding high...China repossesses Hong Kong...I fill my bathtub with water and await Y2K...Clinton ejects Elian Gonzalez...Kathie Lee quits...Charles Schultz dies...Floridians can't figure out their ballots...George gets "snippy" with Al...Bill pardons everyone except Charles Manson...the WTC towers collapse....and Archie Bunker exits the stage...

And a first-class stamp is 34 cents

Bush identifies the "axis of evil", failing to mention anything or anybody connected with Washington...we're all invited to a big fat Greek wedding...Uncle Miltie dies, and Saddam's gotta go...Columbia explodes over Texas...the Terminator becomes the guv...the man in black departs, months after his wife dies...a tsunami kills over 200,000...Ivan pounds Alabama...Bush beats Kerry...

...and the Boston Red Sox win the World Series.

Say what?

Hurricane Katrina belts New Orleans, a glaring object lesson about what happens to those who depend on government for their sustenance...Dan Rather resigns and Peter Jennings dies...Brad, Jennifer, Angelina, Tom, Katie and Billy Bob Thornton are all married in a mass wedding in South Korea by Reverend Moon...Saddam is hanged, and Bush renews the Patriot Act...we're surging in Iraq...and it's snowing in Buenos Aires...Obama promises change, and does not lie...

And here we are, a bright and shiny new year.

With a tip of the hat, and a pop of the cork, here's to better days for our homeland.

The Years In Review

2010-01-01T05:53:00.005-06:00

Here we are, January 1, 2010, final year of the first decade in the first century of the third millennium. (Did I get all that right?)

What will the new year bring? We shall see, but for now, a review of the highlights from the forty eight years I've had this addiction to oxygen.

My first year was calm enough, I suppose. We broke off diplomatic relations with Cuba, then had the Bay of Pigs fiasco. Lawrence Welk had the number one song on the day of my birth, a far cry from Snoop Doggy Dog.

The next year gave us the Cuban missile crisis, and I graduated to Gerber step 3. Or 4. Or whatever.

In 1963, the Washington to Moscow hot line was created, and Khrushchev hung up on Kennedy after JFK called him collect. Martin Luther King delivers his "I Have A Dream" speech on the mall. We have 15,000 'military advisers' in South Vietnam, which is akin to having 15,000 Rosie O'Donnells inspecting Krispy Kreme doughnut stores. The president is assassinated, along with the truth, and our last vestiges of national innocence.

The next year is uneventful enough. A first class stamp (does anybody still use stamps?) is 5 cents. Our debt is measured in billions, 316 of them, with spending at 118 billion. I think we spend that much now just on basketballs for Obama's pick up games.

Combat troops are in Vietnam in 1965, Dr. King marches in Selma, Malcolm X is shot and killed, The Sound of Music premiers, and my brother slips and falls down our front porch steps after an ice storm. Somewhere, there is 8 millimeter Bell and Howell evidence to prove this. (Even funnier when you play it backward.)

In 1966, socialized medicine is foisted upon us with the debacle known as Medicare. My first car, a Mercury Montclair Coupe, is manufactured. I got the keys ten years later, and it was the greatest car ever invented. For now, some little old lady would be breaking it in.

I start kindegarten in 1967, congress gets into the TV business with PBS. The Beatles release Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. Sinatra answers with Strangers in the Night. Some really cool movies are released, including Bonnie and Clyde, In The Heat of The Night, The Graduate, and Cool Hand Luke.

Luke: I can eat fifty eggs.
Dragline: Nobody can eat fifty eggs.
Society Red: You just said he could eat anything.
Dragline: Did you ever eat fifty eggs?
Luke: Nobody ever eat fifty eggs.
Prisoner: Hey, Babalugats. We got a bet here.
Dragline: My boy says he can eat fifty eggs, he can eat fifty eggs.
Loudmouth Steve: Yeah, but in how long?
Luke: A hour.
Society Red: Well, I believe I'll take part of that wager.

In 1968, LBJ announces he will not seek reelection, saying he wants to open a chain of barbecue joints back in Texas. RFK and MLK are assassinated. Apollo 8 orbits the moon, and the largest reservoir of American petroleum north of Mexico is discovered in Alaska. Drill baby, drill!

The next year, we walk on the moon, Joe Willie Namath makes a famous promise, then keeps it, and 500,000 people, all in desperate need of a shower, invade the tranquility of Woodstock. Ted Kennedy abandons his victim as she dies, the FCC tells private companies what adds they cannot air, and God doesn't make Little Green Apples. I'm in the first grade, spending time with Dick, Jane, and Spot. Run, Spot, run. See Spot run. Run, run, run.

Kent State University is a bad place to be in 1970, as is Cambodia. Monday Night Football debuts, and I am still 34 years away from having to leave the country to finally enjoy a Cuban cigar.

In 1971, Simon and Garfunkel release the mega-hit "Bridge Over Troubled Water." I still recall my mother being impressed by the tune, and purchasing the album. I thought it odd at the time. She'd watch Lawrence Welk, of course, but her musical ventures were usually restricted to The Florida Boys, Happy Goodmans, The Blackwood Brothers, etc.

Nixon flaunts the law in 1972, his major transgression not being the Watergate break in, but his "Christmas bombing" of Vietnam. Seasons greetings!

My all-time favorite pop song hits #1 August 26, "Brandy" by The Looking Glass. The second best film ever, The Godfather, is released.

In 1973, the U.S. Supreme Court hears a case it should have never accepted. This may have been the year I got my air hockey table for Christmas. Or the game Operation. I forget which. I do know I asked for Operation again this Christmas, but didn't get it. Maybe Santa thought I meant an actual procedure.

Patty Hearst gets kidnapped the next year. Nixon resigns, Ford takes over. Ford pardons Nixon. Ford falls down the stairs. Betty falls off the wagon. I get acne, and Roberta Flack kills us softly.

And stamps are a whopping 8 cents!

Squeaky Fromme tries to assassinate Ford in 1975, but fails. Two and a half weeks later, Sara Jane Moore also fails. Ford considers running for president of Bolivia. Casey Stengel dies, and Olivia Newton-John honestly loves me.

Jimmy Carter takes his peanut act to Washington the next year. Many Georgians, like me, wanted to hide somewhere, knowing that Billy would have been the better choice. Alex Haley gives us Roots and Rocky slugs it out with Apollo Creed. Yo, Adrienne!

Ah, 16 arrives in 1977. My father gives me the keys to the aforementioned Mercury, and I am king of the world. My friend Jimmy Beecham tells me "That thing is longer than a hearse, Holcombe," but I don't care. It has a 390 engine, and will fly. I recall whining about the price of gas, which was about 56 cents a gallon. My father tells me to give him the keys. I stop whining.

I hear about Elvis' death as I am driving, and almost wreck. Star Wars debuts, as does Saturday Night Fever, and now we have to endure disco. Oy.

Jim Jones' followers commit mass suicide in 1978. I graduate high school and leave for the wrong college. Sony gives us the Walkman. I sit mesmerized, jaw agape, in a theatre in Tampa, Florida, astounded by the overwhelming The Deer Hunter.

In 1979, Iran takes Americans hostage. John Wayne dies. Our federal debt is $829 billion. I loan Valerie Benson my Olds Cutlass on a Sunday afternoon. She and her girlfriends take it to the local mall, and return it without the front bumper. "Sorry!" How can you be cool in college in a car with only one bumper?

The USSR invades Afghanistan. Thirty years later, the U.S. will show we learned nothing from history.

Reagan swamps Carter in 1980, the same year my Georgia Bulldogs finally win their national championship, behind the fleet feet of Herschel Walker. The Doobie Brothers win record of the year, and years later, it dawns on me that, hey....they're not really brothers.

And I've lived long enough by now to justify dividing this venture into the time capsule into two parts.

More to come.....

My Favorite President

2009-12-30T17:04:00.010-06:00

I've always been a political junkie. I rearrange every Wednesday after a Tuesday night election, since I figure I'll be staying up late. Didn't have to stay up late when Reagan trounced Carter. Clinton's wins offered minimal drama. Bush over Gore wore me out.

I always run for president myself, but rarely get much support. I've had one political victory. Back in the sixth grade, I convinced Ms. Peavey to let us have an election for class president. I was nominated to run against Scotty Higginbotham. We gave our speeches. He promised teacher pay raises. I promised we'd raise money to buy new nets for the basketball court. He didn't get the concept, and I walloped him, 31-3.

(I was later impeached when my chief of staff was caught with a camera and tape recorder in the teacher's lounge, though I still maintain I had no prior knowledge.)

JFK was dicta, er, president when I was born, and since then, we've had a succession of Oval Office occupants who have acted more like tyrants than servants.

Anymore, presidents are a part of this oligarchy of 535 people whose sole purpose for being in Washington is to get reelected, and do whatever they possibly can to grow government, thus taking away more liberties, while barging into our private lives like the guest you didn't invite to your party who never leaves. For these power-hungry, lifelong politicians, Washington is the center of the universe, and they seek to make sure it is also the center of ours. No one in Washington I know of actively seeks to reel in the size and scope of government, save one.

Correction. Make that a gaggle of 534.

What we get with our presidents of the modern era is a drunken orgy of spending. If the president is a democrat, we'll be spending money we don't have on a boondoggle of domestic projects. If the prez is Republican, we'll be spending it on offensive defensive schemes, such as invading countries who had the gall to mind their own business. But the tanks are rolling, so, we feel safe, eh?

Anyway, it's all the same. Spend counterfeited money, and use all the right code language every two years to get enough of the masses to return the same set of suits to the capitol.

Never in a national campaign cycle do we hear the rhetoric we heard from Congressman Ron Paul in the '08 campaign, a presidential candidate who actually proposed we end all unconstitutional activities, bring home our troops, end welfare, and use only sound money. It's either a) vote for me, and I'll build a huge military to protect us from evildoers, or b) vote for me, and I'll keep reloading your EBT cards every month.

Looking across the roster of presidents, I find a few notables. Washington impresses me as a man who understood what the new nation was about. He doesn't seem to me to have been all that impressed with his position, and he warned us about foreign entanglements.

Boy, if you could see us now, George.

I've always been fond of Jefferson, seeing him as a Renaissance man. He rightly opposed the formation of the Bank of the United States, saying that banking establishments were more dangerous than standing armies. And he gave us great quotes, including this gem:

To compel a man to furnish funds for the propagation of ideas he disbelieves and abhors is sinful and tyrannical.

John Tyler was an advocate for states rights, something I've heard no president endorse in my lifetime, so he gets mention.

No points for the most bloodthirsty tyrant we've had to date, Abraham Lincoln, widely revered, it seems, by most Americans. Presiding over the deaths of over 600,000 Americans doesn't merit you any favor with me. And it shouldn't be lost on anyone that states do have the right, if not the duty, to secede from the union.

Millard Fillmore seemed genteel enough. Wilson wrecked us with the Federal Reserve. LBJ made wars trendy and palatable. Now we can declare wars on all sorts of bogeymen: poverty, drugs, illiteracy, terror, exploding Pintos.

(What or who's the next 'war' on? People who actually work for a living and pay in cash?)

The modern day occupants deserve no honorable mention, but plenty of dishonorable mention.

But my favorite? That's easy. It's the president who is the least offensive. The one who does the minimal amount of damage. The one who never gets to implement his blueprint for our lives. the one who takes office, and for whatever reason, never gets to cross anything off his to-do list.

William Henry Harrison served for 32 days before being carted out of town. Talk about your terms limits.

Anymore, the only days we get to breathe collectively are when congress is not in session. When they're back, I pray for gridlock.

And for a Ron Paul presidential miracle, followed by eight years of exceptional health, at which point, President Harrison will naturally drop to second place

WHEN I AM YOUR BENEVOLENT DICTATOR

2009-12-05T07:13:00.011-06:00

There are just too many videos I want to post, so...I've created a new blog. The url is

http://www.timsfavoritevideos.blogspot.com

I UNDERSTAND WE HAVE a political process in this nation, a set way to bring about societal change. But sometimes I get weary of waiting on the slow turning wheels of government to turn faster. Fact is, these days the wheels aren't even turning in the right direction, much less fast.

Enough waiting.

Now, since I have all the right ideas about everything (*cough*) .....I have a plan. Just give me the reins, will ya? Forget the constitution, forget the laws, forget the three branches of government. Just let me have total control. I'll have this sucker straightened out and running smoothly in six months. First thing first, of course: We'll need to beef up the Secret Service. Like, dramatically.

Now, I am a libertarian in my political philosophy. This means I wholly embrace the concept of self-government and personal responsibility, believing that the singular individual is responsible for his or her own life, health, and welfare, and looks to no government entity to provide what he can provide for himself. Essentially, all a libertarian asks the government to do is that which he cannot do on his own, namely...provide a military for the defense of the nation from foreign invasion, to enforce contracts, and to prosecute criminals, specifically, those who by use of fraud or force deprive someone of life, liberty or property. In short, a Libertarian is one who loves freedom, something that is never realized within the ever-reaching tentacles of government.

Libertarians, by the way, are not anarchists. An anarchist is one who believes in no government whatsoever. Libertarians do not believe this. They realize that government has a legitimate role, and that this role is clearly defined within the framework of the constitution. The constitution is a document which clarifies from whence our rights come: our Creator. Rights do not come from the constitution. The constitution codifies what all men intrinsically realize: freedom is an innate desire of all men, placed in their hearts by God. The Declaration of Independence recognizes this fact, and the constitution was designed to support this belief, serving as an instrument that declares that the proper purpose and function of government is to insure that these God-given rights are not infringed upon by same, rather, that this government of ours is there to insure that the garden of liberty is kept free of the weeds of Washington, that the citizens of this nation may live as they see fit within the confines of the law, and without fearing or being intimidated by the very government which exists in order to maintain the climate of freedom.

Sadly, fewer and fewer Americans today love freedom, preferring the bowl of government-provided porridge in exchange for their liberty. This is why all Democrats, and a few spineless, sissy Republicans have no problem defying the bounds of the constitution, and support the notion of ramming socialized medicine down our collective gullets. If they were to actually allow people to keep their own money, then they lose a little more say in how one governs one's life. And Washington is loathe to the notion that there may be some citizens out here in Red State Land who can actually survive without the teat of government security.

*Breathe......*

This diatribe aside, get ready, freedom-lovers. You're gonna love my season of tyranny, the sole purpose being to reinvent this beautiful concept of freedom. You big government lovers are in for a rough ride with many tears. There shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth whilst I wave the flag of this-here Republic.

(Uh, well, monarchy, at least until I get this ship arighted.)

Okay, here we go. As soon as I ascend to my fiefdom, this here's a-whut I'm a-gonna do:

1) Repeal all laws which violate this principle: If any action of a citizen does not violate a fellow citizen's right to life, health, or personal property, said action shall not be illegal.

2) Immediately release all non-violent drug users and dealers from prison.

3) Repeal all drug laws. If you want to take drugs, you're a moron. But being a moron will not be illegal.

4) Eliminate all current federal income taxes. Abolish the IRS. Collect taxes like we did back in the day, via tariffs. Hello, China. Welcome to my world. See the tax man at the port.

5) Eliminate all cabinet level departments except state, treasury and defense. This includes the abolition of the worst idea ever, and the biggest fraud ever perpetrated on American children: the Department of Education. get the federal government out of the business of education.

6) End all public-assistance programs, including the ponzi shell game ("risky scheme" to coin an Al Gore phrase) known as Social Security. Issue this here declaration:

"If you paid into the Social Security system, your money will be returned. If you are 45 years old or more, your benefits will be there as planned. If you are 44 or under, it is time for you to realize that it is not a proper function of government to provide your retirement income. Said job would be YOURS, and now is the time for you to realize that the day in which you can no longer do physical labor is coming, and you'd best have prepared for such a day by saving and investing. If you reach that day and have not done the responsible thing, you'll have to turn to your family, your religious institution or a private charity for assistance. The government will no longer force your fellow citizens to provide for you by using deadly force to take their property away."

7) Bring home the troops by the weekend for the party of their lives. Issue this here declaration to anybody who would ever take a notion to attack this country: Try it one time, and we will blow your entire continent off the face of the earth. God ahead, punks....make our day.

8) Outlaw the America-hating religion of Islam. Sorry, Mustafa. You'll have to settle for wearing a towel somewhere else. Your religion has vowed our destruction, and I am up to my gills in your 'fatwahs'. Fatwah this, cowboy.

9) Implement racial profiling at airports. If you are of obvious middle eastern descent, you will be searched. Period.

10) Tell OPEC we're drilling in Alaska, Florida, and anywhere else we please. Close all American bases in Saudi Arabia. Next time some nutcase neighbor decides to invade you, King Fahd, I reckon you'll just have to handle it yourself.

11) Deport Barbra Streisand and Michael Moore.

12) End the FED, and place us back on the gold standard, thus resurrecting the battered dollar.

13) Put some flames on the side of Air Force One.

14) Invite Van Halen over for a state dinner and show.

15) Build the presidential retreat in the north Georgia mountains, complete with a moat filed with piranhas.

16) Invade Cuba and overthrow Castro. Okay, I know this violates an earlier stated principle, but come on.....you gotta cut me a little slack. I'd like to smoke a legal Cuban. (cigar)

Okay, that's about it. After I get this thing turned around and back on the path, I promise to turn the keys back over to the Speaker of the House.

Well, maybe. I dunno. I sorta like this here dictator thing.

Hazel! Go make your supreme leader a BLT!!!!

Return Your Library Books On Time!

2009-12-03T14:43:00.001-06:00

Thinking and Thanking

2009-11-28T06:58:00.000-06:00

Time for that annual time of mental inventory. We could focus on things for which we're not thankful, but that gets old quickly, eh?

I'm thankful for this cup of coffee right here beside me.

I'm thankful for people who still work for a living.

I'm thankful for that first car. May we all find and restore ours one day. (EBay?)

I'm thankful when the light changes green, as I can speed away from the offensive, dull, blasting bass sounds emitting from the rapper's vehicle somewhere around me.

I'm thankful for big oil companies and huge corporations, without which, millions would have no job, and life would be less far less convenient.

I'm thankful that, while I am developing a bald spot up there, I really don't care.

I'm thankful for Ron Paul. How I wish all Americans were.

I'm thankful I don't drive a Smart.

I'm thankful for the moment when you close the trunk, hop in, and officially start the vacation.

I'm thankful for "Fiddler On The Roof", which I finally got around to watching two weeks ago. "Tradition!!!!"

I'm thankful for things which can never be replaced. Like, quilts.

I'm thankful for Cracker Barrel. Especially the VOD on Saturday. Hoo, boy.

I'm thankful for Mount Athos.

I'm thankful for ready change when there's a toll road.

I'm thankful for the throwback uniforms. Except the Denver Broncos. Yikes!

I'm thankful for Troy Polamalu.

I'm thankful for the "12 items or less" register. Now if the gal in front of me could only count...

I'm thankful for Ken Follett. AND....they are making "Pillars Of The Earth" into a miniseries!

I'm thankful for my wonderful priest.

I'm thankful for police officers who behave more like Barney Fife than Steven Segal. And whatever became of Elian Gonzalez?

I'm thankful for Tommy Emmanuel. Google him. Oh, mercy.

I'm thankful for the 4th round, Sundays, Augusta National. I'm also thankful I almost got conked in the head by an errant tee shot from the driver of Jack Nicklaus on the 9th fairway there.
(Okay, it really wasn't THAT close. But it sounds really cool.)

I'm thankful the beach is only 4 1/2 hours away.

I'm thankful there are no pictures (that I know of) of me in a polyester leisure suit.

I am thankful for Tiffany Holcombe-Ball. A wonderful wife, fantastic mother, and my beautiful daughter. I love you, honey. (And you get a year all your own. One child per year, in print anyway)

I am thankful for Mannheim Steamroller.

I am thankful for my loved ones who have reposed. May their memories be eternal.

I am thankful for snow in the south. Manageable, tolerable.

I am thankful for Del Ray Beach, Florida. I'll tell you why in a few short years.

I am thankful we rescued mama's recipe box.

I am thankful for Cubano Cusanos, and I believe I'll go enjoy one.

Happy Thanksgiving!